May 2019 would have been a roller coaster without cancer but with cancer it has been fantastically exhausting.

The rush of events started the end of April with my personal yearly trifecta of my birthday, wedding anniversary and Mother's Day. Throw in two trips to Peoria, IL; one to see all the awesome things Fisher (our son) is doing at their Interactive Media Conference and the other to bring Fisher home from college. There were track meets one or two times a week, occasionally three, planning for a graduation party and graduation, still doing work for clients, a couple networking events and chemo once a week. Add in a car breakdown and replacing that vehicle in the mix, plus regular life things and you have the busiest May ever while running on fumes. There are surely lots of other things I wedged in the schedule that I am forgetting.

The busyness gave me so many reasons to be present and focus on things in the moment and off chemo and cancer. I had a purposeful place to put what energy I had to good use. Gratitude for that but now I am very tired. I pushed myself when I could and rested when I needed to do so. Preparation and organization was not done as I wish it could have been but have gotten really good at letting that shit go. I pack that baggage very lightly these days. Recouping the past few days meant staying fairly quiet and moving slow.

Thanks to everyone that have reached out, showed up and helped out. We love you all so much. I don't know specifically what I need most of the time (still). It is moment to moment and I am eternally grateful that when I need to throw out a life line that I have so many people willing and able to step up. THANK YOU! Again and again.

​Here are a few nuggets of insight I have manage to retain:​

NO HAIR REFLECTED

• I have not been shy about my hair loss from chemo. I have posted selfies and had professional photos taken and been true to myself. It is what is at this moment. In fact, I usually forget about not having hair until I catch my reflection or get an odd look from a stranger. But last week was the first time I was photographed at an a major personal event and it will be forever part of the memory of the occasion. That was harder. This was a moment that wasn't about me and I didn't want it to be. It was about my daughter and all her accomplishments.  She did great, graduated with high honors and we celebrated well.

It is apparent to me that I keep my cancer like a specimen in a jar on the shelf.  It is there.
It is separate. I am still working out what I am going to do with it but I don't take it out and toss it around if there is no purpose in doing so. It is not my nature to be the center of attention because I am there and seen. It is in the moments when my presence can be felt in the best ways whether anyone knows it was me or not that bring me the greatest joy. That idea I will carry forward.

Side Note: Comforting to know the hair gene is strong in our family so I am expecting a full hair recovery.  All else fails my children have a healthy supply.

STILL GOT IT BUT I HAVE TO WORK AT IT

• I love being in nature, fishing, kayaking, hiking. I love working, helping clients, networking. One of the biggest struggles for me has been trying to move forward when I really want be fully functional in the moment. It takes all I am to do the things I love. The lack of energy to get going and think clearly drives me crazy. The things that don't inspire me (laundry) I can let sit. They will get done, eventually. I did manage to get out with my husband kayaking twice in May. I paid a price after but worth the moment to be out on the water. I feel the same about working with my clients, ideas and projects. Staying engaged is important to me so I am going to keep getting out there and schedule the recovery time as needed. Going to keep working at it.

This is my silver lining. I am being still most of the time. It is great opportunity to mentality gather all my ideas, projects, plans and scrap those that are not working or no longer make sense. My clarity for what is a priority is clearer than ever. What I may decide to do may evolve between now and when I am fully back in action. My frustrations now will pass, my empathy is being strengthened and as good as I was when I wasn't feeling well for so long, I am so looking forward to being able to seeing all I will do when I am healthy and cancer free.

Side note: Still filling the stringer. (May 26, 2019)

This is a long haul but I am standing my ground, making plans, meeting with friends, getting out with my family and taking care of myself. Two more chemo treatments than we move into the next phase of planning and surgery.

Thanks for hanging in there with us.
​

THE PHOTO   I have participated in a couple photo shoots with Ivory House Photography called Unapologetically Extra. It is a mini session; sometimes it is themed, sometimes it is a special location but it is always a step out of my comfort zone. I like to push my boundaries, get a new perspective or a reminder but it is always for me.

The photo below was taken near Gray's Lake in Des Moines. I remember the day clearly, It was chilly, windy and I wasn't feeling myself. I hadn't felt right in quite a while. I booked a session because I had a thought maybe it would shake me out of this funk. I hadn't felt good in over a year. I was exhausted. Been to doctors, Taken tests. Everything was "normal",

After the photo shoot, Whitney schedules an online viewing so you can choose which photos you want. I chose two but I there was something off. It bother me and I contacted Whitney the next day and asked her not to post any of the photos. There was something very wrong. I didn't know what is was but I saw something in the photos.

45 days later, I had a confirmed by biopsy diagnosis, Stage 2 breast cancer.

CANCER   Jumping ahead to April 17th... I am now in the fully entrenched in my cancer treatment. I have had a million feelings, moments and personal epiphanies. It is a marathon not a sprint.

I lost any taste for alcohol or meat after my first chemo treatment January 31st. I have lost 16 lbs but no nausea. Very tired and it comes in waves which makes it all the more exhausting. I have to let go a lot and listen to my body with a new dedication. There have been fevers, chills, bloody noses, pain in my hands and feet, and even an emergency room visit, weekend at the hospital and a transfusion. It is my job now.

But I know this. This I can fight. This brings out the spirit of who I know I am.

It is better than the mysterious, unknown not feeling right. 

MY 48TH YEAR    April 27th will be my 48th birthday. It feels like a blank canvas. So much potential, but it is different then prior years, a different motivation. It is the year do more of what I love and let go.

There are things that are for sure are going to happen this year. Chemo will continue. Our daughter will graduate high school and head out on her own adventures. I will have surgery and recovery. I will paint again. I will fish and get near water as often as possible. My husband and I will be back to our own devices as a couple with dogs. I will be surround by friends, family, music and art. I will decide how I want my business to move forward and grow. And I will be just fine.

Rest, Create. Refocus.

Life is short and sweet. It is time to celebrate.