May 2019 would have been a roller coaster without cancer but with cancer it has been fantastically exhausting.
The rush of events started the end of April with my personal yearly trifecta of my birthday, wedding anniversary and Mother's Day. Throw in two trips to Peoria, IL; one to see all the awesome things Fisher (our son) is doing at their Interactive Media Conference and the other to bring Fisher home from college. There were track meets one or two times a week, occasionally three, planning for a graduation party and graduation, still doing work for clients, a couple networking events and chemo once a week. Add in a car breakdown and replacing that vehicle in the mix, plus regular life things and you have the busiest May ever while running on fumes. There are surely lots of other things I wedged in the schedule that I am forgetting.
The busyness gave me so many reasons to be present and focus on things in the moment and off chemo and cancer. I had a purposeful place to put what energy I had to good use. Gratitude for that but now I am very tired. I pushed myself when I could and rested when I needed to do so. Preparation and organization was not done as I wish it could have been but have gotten really good at letting that shit go. I pack that baggage very lightly these days. Recouping the past few days meant staying fairly quiet and moving slow.
Thanks to everyone that have reached out, showed up and helped out. We love you all so much. I don't know specifically what I need most of the time (still). It is moment to moment and I am eternally grateful that when I need to throw out a life line that I have so many people willing and able to step up. THANK YOU! Again and again.
Here are a few nuggets of insight I have manage to retain:
NO HAIR REFLECTED
It is separate. I am still working out what I am going to do with it but I don't take it out and toss it around if there is no purpose in doing so. It is not my nature to be the center of attention because I am there and seen. It is in the moments when my presence can be felt in the best ways whether anyone knows it was me or not that bring me the greatest joy. That idea I will carry forward.
Side Note: Comforting to know the hair gene is strong in our family so I am expecting a full hair recovery. All else fails my children have a healthy supply.
STILL GOT IT BUT I HAVE TO WORK AT IT
Side note: Still filling the stringer. (May 26, 2019)
This is a long haul but I am standing my ground, making plans, meeting with friends, getting out with my family and taking care of myself. Two more chemo treatments than we move into the next phase of planning and surgery.
Thanks for hanging in there with us.
Jen Heins. Keeping my eye on the horizon.